You see, this week was horrible. I spent most of my energy in anger, restraining myself from either shouting at people or crying. The reason is, my work had been delayed because I didn't have materials to start my experiment. I finally got hold of some, but when I wanted to work, I found my lab was stripped from the equipments that I need.
I mean, in the movies, you have stuffs from lab stolen by evil genius who wants to take over the world. Or oil company that wants to prevent the discovery of a new renewable energy source. Or secret society that wants to bring down Vatican. But no, not in Indonesia.
In Indonesia, you have stuffs taken away because they're not in the inventory list. True story.
Let me take a deep breath.
Gloria Sinaga in Demi Ucok says that we do what we do out of either fear or love. When I made decision to do the things I do, seven years ago, I weighed those two things. Fear. And love.
As mundane as it may sound, love is what I do now: being a researcher in a governmental institute.
And fear is the baggage that comes with it: stupid bureaucracy, apathetic working environment and a thin line between (legally) right and wrong.
Fear is what I had this week.
What makes it even more horrible is that the fear hasn't hit me with its full force yet. Before I went to NL and within a year between finishing my master and starting my PhD, I wasn't in charge of anything. I did the lab work, wrote the proposal and report, but I was not the lead researcher in the team who was also responsible for personnel and financial matters. But three years from now (fingers crossed), I will be forced to face the fear, full forte.
And that scares the sh*t out of me.
Before the screening, Atied said that there was only a thin line between love and fear. Demi Ucok wittingly showed that the two are not mutually exclusive. There will always be an element of fear in whatever choice you make in life, but it maybe something you need to compromise for love.
So three years from now, I will have to face my fear. With a huge hope that I will be stronger, and a tiny weeny hope that the system will be better by then.
But somehow it's enough.